The characters of Harry Potter discover muggle Twitter
by Katherine Janise
Summary: Titles self explanatory. Warning includes indiocy (Dammit! I meant idiosity! You see! I can't even spell it right! This is exactly what I'm talking about! Indiocy!) Rage moment there. Jokes from everyone all under 140 characters.
1. Chapter 1

My movies been out and finished for over three years and the fanbase is still booming. I guess it's a good thing that some people don't 'Let it go'.

~Harry Potter

...

Last week the new students of Hogwarts decided to let me hang from the chandelier, again. Why is it always me?!

~Neville Longbottom

...

Being in France has given me the chance to immerse into the language. However, Ron doesn't feel the same. After I showed him Beauty and the Beast all he says now is 'le poisson, le poisson'. Ugh.

~Hermione Granger

...

Wondering if I can still plot Potter's demise and get away with it. Or do I just start a family? Which one is easier... Plotting, obviously.

~Draco Malfoy

...

Do you want cooked-men or ra-men? Get it? Get it?

~Ron Weasley


	2. Chapter 2

People are making fun of how short I am. They keeps laughing at how short I am compared to Ginny! I'll have you know that I'm taller than a twelve inch ruler!

~Harry Potter

...

Whenever people are down I simply cheer them up with my little phrase 'you're just as sane as me'. That sure gets a reaction.

~Luna Lovegood

...

Being in the wizarding world does have it's disadvantages. I've only left the muggle world for a week and found myself staring at a printer as if it was a newfound creature. I need to take a break.

~Hermione Granger


	3. Chapter 3

Ahhhhh! Touched a muggle today, voluntarily. Need to burn robes. Possibly hands.

~Draco Malfoy

...

Laughing at the images in your head... I mean pretending to be a muggle.

~Ginny Weasley

...

It's not winter. Right? Right?! Then Why Is It SOOOOO Cold?!

~Harry Potter

...

I don't understand. Whenever I go into muggle Disneyland, there's always a Norwegian redhead girl with a cloak and dress on, who keeps asking me if I want to build a snowman!

~Rose Weasley

...

August Rodin may have been the thinker, but I'm the winker.

~Ron Weasley


	4. Chapter 4

I'm going to kill you Harry Potter! I'm pointing my wand as hard as I can!

~Lord Voldemort

...

Why is it, at the final battle when I was fighting Voldemort, that no one just got a gun and shot him? He was occupied at the moment. It would have saved me a lot of energy!

~Harry Potter

...

Before we finished packing Hermione said I had bags under my eyes. I asked her if I had to check those bags in too.

~Ron Weasley


	5. Chapter 5

Mischief managed. Because I don't know anything else funny.

~Harry Potter

...

Went shopping today (I know, it's weird. But it kept nagging me) and throughout the store I felt like I wanted to eat ferret food. After apparating home, I found myself holding a bag of ferret food. I'm going nuts.

~Draco Malfoy

...

Snuck Malfoy some animal pasties. So now, whenever he's near the food store he'll have the nagging sensation to eat ferret food. Fred would have been proud.

~George Weasley

...

Just thought of a ship name between me and Hermione. Nerve. Get it? Funny right? Right?! *Looks at reader crazily RIGHT?!

~Neville Longbottom

...

How do you lose the weight in your eyes? Because the airport lady said my bags are overweight.

~Ron Weasley

...

That Neville's got a Long bottom. I made a funny.

~Luna Lovegood


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT PREJUDICE AGAINST THE RACES DOWN BELOW. I ACTUALLY AM FRIENDS WITH THEM. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE JOKES, LEAVE OR PM ME. IF THERE ARE ANY COMPLAINTS I WON'T CONTINUE WITH THOSE KINDS OF JOKES. I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT OUT. BTW, IT'S JOKE NUMBER TWO.**

* * *

Had a weird dream where all the house names were different. Slytherin was Slather-it-on. Hufflepuff was Huff-n-puff. Ravenclaw was Crabclaws, and Griffyndor was Puffs and smores. This is the last time I go to bed hungry again.  
~Ron Weasley

...

Chinese eat one-ton-men, Japanese eat raw-men, what do filipinos eat?

...  
Dober-men  
~Harry Potter

...

Stupid muggle device... won't let me see cute pictures of my snakes.  
~Voldemort

...

Who the heck is Blaise Zabini?! Where has he been in the last seven movies?! I mean seriously, you show up once in the whole series and you get a whole fanfic to yourself?! What?! Where's my fanfic?! I want my fanfic!  
*people slowly back away*  
~Ginny Weasley


	7. Chapter 7

a/n Because I don't follow rules (jk) I snuck this in.

* * *

Desperately trying to get over my addiction of Twitter. Not going to post for 20 minutes.

~Ginny Weasley

...

People say that I'm not funny, but I can make jokes too! Why did the chicken cross the road? Oh dangit, I already messed the joke up.

~Ron Weasley

...

Unlike my red-headed friend here, I can make really good jokes. What happens when snake fangs and porqupine come together? They end up poking eachother! Lol!

~Hermione Granger

...

Going to Antartica for work.

~Draco Malfoy

...

Screw waiting! Must! Have! Twitter!

~Ginny Weasley


	8. Chapter 8

I don't care if I'm in Antarctica. I don't care if I'm freezing my butt off. I WANT MY ICE CREAM!

~Draco Malfoy


	9. Chapter 9

Father decided he would test his brothers new joke invention on the neighbors dog. The toys name... Firecrackers. We couldn't get the dog out of the tree for FOUR hours. FOUR HOURS! I wish I was mum so I could wack him over the head for that.

~Rose Weasly

...

Me and Snape?! You guys are making fanfictions about me and Snape?!

~Hermione Granger

...

It is known that the fire-eating curse burns the bodies from the inside out. Vile things could happen to those who make bad ships.

~Severus Snape

* * *

What are the worst ships you've guys ever heard in Harry Potter? What's the best? DRAMIONE!


	10. Cliffhangers

**A/N: Hey leave a review to answer the question of the day!**

**Enjoy**

* * *

Cliffhangers? What Cliffhangers?

~Ginny Weasley

...

Don't talk to Ginny about Cliffhangers, unless you want her to Bat Bogey Hex you. The fanfiction she was just reading ended with the hero/brother coming ba-

*Ginny walks in to Rons' room

Ginny: DON'T TALK ABOUT CLIFFHANGERS! _Pugnat Patitur!_

The bats! AHHH THE BATS!

Ginny: Now when the hell is Chris gonna kiss Clary.

~Ronald Weasley

...

What the heck is McDonalds and why is there a man with red hair and a yellow suit following me around saying he's taking a 'selfie'. What the heck is a selfie?! I thought it was a Weasley following me for a sec but now I know that, that man is too crazy to be a Weasley. What the hell is going on here?!

~Draco Malfoy

* * *

**What is the most annoying cliffhanger you have ever read? **


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't mean to kill her! I'm sorry! No not the bat-boogey hex! NO! I KNEW YOU LIKED THAT STORY! PLEASE GINNY PLEASE! I WAS ONLY JOKING! IT WAS A MISTAKE! A MISSTTTTTTAAAAAKKKKEEEE!

Ginny: Ronald Weasley I Am Going To Kill You!

~Ronald Weasley

Here's another attempt:

A panda goes into a restaurant, eats, shoots at the waiter, and leaves. The waiter says to the panda, "Hey man you can't just do that here." The panda replies," Dude I'm a panda. Look me up." So the guy pools out his dictionary and reads,' pandas. Animals of Asian descent. Eats shoots and leaves.'

Get it?!

~Hermione Granger

* * *

A/N: snicker snicker... Would you like a snickers?


	12. Chapter 12

Seriously, when in the series was I ever called Mia? Or Mi? Or even Flicka?! Is this the product of laziness? Did the author change my name?!

~Hermione Granger

...

Sniverus. Sneverlus. Sinverlus. How the Hell did James pronounce my name?!

~Severus Snape


	13. Best Things, Worst Perks

Les Miserables: We're all miserable. Cosette: What do you mean miserable?

The Mortal Instruments: The series never ends!

X-Men: Days of Future Past: Wait, so Mystique dies? How does she appear in all the other movies?! This doesn't have anything close to some sort of canon!

Flappy Bird: It's just a bird flying through pipes. How the hell did it get it's own FanFictions?

Sherlock: Haha, suckers. Good luck waiting till 2016.

~Hermione Granger

* * *

A/N: Two updates in one day?! Three updates in a week? Wow!

What is your favorite Movie/Book/Game that has the worst perks/ideas/anything!?


	14. Random

I solemnly swear I am up to no good.

~Harry Potter

...

People need to stop listening to music whenever I say something, anything people start singing! Why, yesterday I was telling Scorpious to let it go and the boy started singing!

... He has a great voice though

~Rose Weasley

...

For God's sake, Ron! It's _LeviOsa_! Not _LeviosA_! It's been how long since you've left Hogwarts?!

~Hermione Granger


	15. Snape-Snape

Hmmm. What is this ticking... It's catchy... Snape-Snape-Sev-er-us-Snape.

~Severus Snape

Sitting in heaven, re-reading Harry Potter. Dumbledore approaches me and says,'After all this time?' Of course I have to reply,' Always.'

~Severus Snape

Mimble Wimble is a spell that's supposed to tongue-tie your enemies. However, the spells so hard to say fast that you'd be tongue-tying yourself!

~George Weasley

Geez. Nineteen years after the war. I knew that they would look old, but they look ancient! Malfoy looks like Santa Claus!

~Fred Weasley

Wow! That Erich Blunt guy acts so much like Malfoy! I wonder if they're the same person? :P

~Harry Potter

Imagine doing cup song with the Tri-Wizard cup?

~Ron Weasly

Too soon

~Cho Chang

A/N: I seriously have no idea why you people read my jokes. They don't even qualify as jokes! I mean there so bad they're like... Oh My Gosh... You guys won't have to wait long for the next chapter. GTG byyyyyyyeeee!


	16. TommyJokes

What did sushi A say to sushi B?

WasaB!

What did the left bean say to the right bean?

How you Bean!

What do you call a tree that works at the bank?

A branch manager!

Yo mama so dumb, she got fired from the M&amp;M factory for throwing away all the W's

What do you call a scythe that's too afraid to fight?

A Scythssy

Loud airplane noise! When do we want 'em?

NEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW

Why do vampires believe everything you tell them?

Because they're suckers!

What do you a bear with no shoes?

Bear feet!

What did Simba say to his father when he was walking to slow?

MUFASA!

~Ron Weasley

A/N: So I would just like to do this for a guy who gave my summer class a laugh this summer. His name was Tommy (and that's all you're going to get) Tommy made a lot of funny jokes (mostly because they were soooooo bad). Above is a calibration of Tommy and class jokes. #TommyJokes make that a thing please!


	17. Looking Back

What did sushi A say to sushi B?

WasaB!

What did the left bean say to the right bean?

How you Bean!

What do you call a tree that works at the bank?

A branch manager!

Yo mama so dumb, she got fired from the M&amp;M factory for throwing away all the W's

What do you call a scythe that's too afraid to fight?

A Scythssy

Loud airplane noise! When do we want 'em?

NEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW

Why do vampires believe everything you tell them?

Because they're suckers!

What do you a bear with no shoes?

Bear feet!

What did Simba say to his father when he was walking to slow?

MUFASA!

~Ron Weasley

A/N: So I would just like to do this for a guy who gave my summer class a laugh this summer. His name was Tommy (and that's all you're going to get) Tommy made a lot of funny jokes (mostly because they were soooooo bad). Above is a calibration of Tommy and class jokes. #TommyJokes make that a thing please!


	18. Author's Note: What's going on?

I hate to say this guys but I'm really busy. Which is why I haven't updated in a long time. I'm sorry. On the bright side I've been working on the stories so hopefully when I get back to Fanfiction I'll be able to have long chapters for you guys!

Kat J.


	19. Chapter 19

Beware! The Christmas memes are coming!

~Rose Weasley

A/N: I always have such amazing jokes in my head it then I forget.

Did anyone watch walking dead?


	20. Your Average PotterHead

**I know that Ive Been absent the whole year guys. Sigh. Bad me! I just wanted to say Happy New Year! And I'm not sure when I'll be back to regular updating. Sorry for the wait! But wait! Don't stop following me! I promise I'm getting into the groove. Just don't expect that much. Hehe. Hides face. Anyway, byyyyyereeeee**

Oh. My. God. Oh my god! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! !YEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I HAVE WAITED FOREVER!

~Your average person realizing there was such a thing as a pottermore

I heard that an actor from Harry Potter got sorted a few weeks ago...

... The Slytherin Prince... Sorted into Griffyndor...

THE FANDOM DOES NOT EXCEPT THIS!

~The average Draco Lover

You think you've read it all. Seen it all. Known it all. Until you're boyfriend takes the Pottermore test and realize thatthis results are that he's a Hufflepuff. You, a Slytherin, have been dating a Hufflepuff. Sign.

~the author.


	21. yeah

On a scale of one to ten, how big of a Harry Potter fan are you?

~ Ron Weasley

RE: Only about 9 and three quarters.

~ Fan

A Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and a Gryffindor girl are first years; which one is the sexiest?

The Hufflepuff, because she's the only one that's 17.

Son, you better not be in that house.

~Draco Malfoy

Why does Voldemort have Twitter but not a Facebook?

Because only has followers not friends. XD

~Fan

RE: Avada Kedavra!

~Voldemort

Hey Harry! Did you survive Avada Kedavra?

Because you're drop dead gorgeous. ;)

~Ginny Potter

RE: … No

~Harry Potter

RE:Why so Sirius, Harry?

~Voldemort

RE: Why so nosy, Voldy?

~Harry Potter


	22. Chapter 22

I found Facebook before it was cool.

~Harry Potter (First Year)

* * *

Like Father like Son.

~Draco Malfoy

* * *

You like the snitch don't you, Harry? You'll like it even more when it brings back your dead parents.

~Oliver Wood (First Year)

* * *

Needless to say not all the muggle toilets in London lead to the Ministry of Magic.

~Ron Weasley

* * *

I'm noticing a ship forming for KatnissxSeamus. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS ON FIYAAAAAAAAA

~Authour

* * *

The potato looked good, sir. And it was just begging to be eaten, sir. And I gave it shelter in my stomach, sir.

~Sasha


	23. Cursed Child

**Wow. One year of nothing. Yikes **

* * *

Whoever's in love with Drapple must be into some kinky stuff.

~Fan

* * *

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child will show as the younger years of Harry Potter.

But we all know the REAL problem here!

When's the sequel!

~Kat

* * *

Why did Snape stand on two sides of the road?

So we could never know which side he's on!

~Sirius

* * *

She is Grace,

She is Beauty,

She will punch you in the face.

~Draco Malfoy

* * *

Oi! Malfoy! Flirting with my wife again!

~Ron Weasley

* * *

**Review 'Poptato' in the comments if you read my AN's. I'll check out your story if you come up with the most Poptato-y ones. And YES I mean Poptato. Also review on how epic a brawl between Weasley and Malfoy would be!**


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